Journey from Chaos: My Path to Peace & Purpose

It has been a journey, to say the least. This may be attempt number 500 at restarting some sort of content. This is partially due to my tendency to get motivated, then hyper-focused and then forget about the entire thing after one post. A life with ADHD is unfortunately often a life scattered with the partial remnants of dreams, passion and then “next big idea”. From the outside it looks like a gift, I have been able to posture for years like I have my shit together. On the inside however my neurodivergent brain is feels like… chaos.

My 12 1/2 years as an Air-Traffic Controller in many ways was a Godsend. It enabled me to make money in a career that capitalized on an ability to hyper-focus. That did not require me to keep up with paperwork, or answer to a boss daily. It was a job weighted with enough responsibility that it kept my attention while still absolving me of the need to ever take work home. Those were the good parts. Unfortunately it was also a career field littered with “Good old boy” mentality. One where “outliers” had to both deal with the stress of the job while also dealing with the bullshit of FAA management and union politics.

Add to that constantly changing shift work, a 180 mile a day round trip commute, and mandatory 6 day work weeks. It doesn’t take a lot additional to topple the whole deck of mental cards.

Unfortunately I got a lot additional. Multiple family deaths in quick succession, taking care of a family member suffering from mental illness, a chronically ill child, my father’s Dementia diagnosis. As I, with the help of my wife worked to keep all the pieces together it felt like the onslaught never ended. All of this while doing my best to be a good Husband and father and a leader in the reparations movement.

Before I knew it, cracks became chasms. I broke. I tried to pull things back together, create a good daily routine, therapy, physical activity. I tried to lean into my prayer life. Eventually I started losing days, everything just blended together and it felt like my brain just shut off. I laid in bed more, lost all motivation to do even the things I loved. Then came the feelings of no longer wanting to exist. Yeah, that last part became a louder and louder voice everyday. I needed help, I was on a slippery slope.

Getting help as a man, admitting that you are in a bad place is hard. Getting help as a Black American Man, is next to impossible. But I wanted to live, I wanted to be useful and enjoy what life had left for me. What followed was psychiatrist appointments, and pills, bouncing from therapist to therapist until I found one that got me. Most of all realizing that if I wanted to be everything for the people I loved I was really going to have to fight for myself. I had to be honest that I couldn’t half-ass this. I’m fighting for my life.

Unfortunately, a mental health diagnosis and aviation careers aren’t a good mix. I did everything I could to keep my career intact but I had to make some tough choices. Do I want to carve my mental health around the needs of my career. Or do I want to build a life that puts my sanity first and allows me to flex my career around my mental health needs. I chose the latter. It was, and still is the scariest decision of my life.

What has followed is, well, more chaos. But also reflection, fun, fear, growth.

I’m currently sitting in my office. Yes my own office, where I just got off a conference call about an app I’m developing with some friends, followed by 2 hours of coursework on Brand & Web Design, after lunch I’ll be checking in with my client who owns a Cannabis Dispensary in the city.

I got started at 6am this morning, I’ll probably end around 2pm go home and walk the dog, eat and exercise, check up on my children. I’ll end today with Tuesday evening service at church. It’s been the first time in a long time my adult life that I have been on control of my own time, and without the luxury of a consistent paycheck. Also, its scary as shit and I’ve been screwing it up continuously. I have a web design project thats about a month overdue, I’m still struggling to keep my priorities in order, and in the back of my mind is a voice that says “N*gga you aint gonna make it, better get a regular job again soon”.

Yet, here I am. Trusting in God’s promises now more than ever. I don’t believe that God will bless me in whatever I choose. I do believe however that by making him a part of my daily routine, by allowing him into all parts of my life from business to productivity, to relationships that he will honor my faithfulness. I gave my life to Christ long ago, but it has only been in the last few years of my struggles that I’ve learned what it means to really give it all to him.

There are times when I have felt cursed in the way my mind works. More and more I have come to accept that I was made this way for a reason, but also that I was never meant to be complete without God. What is an instrument without an author?

Hopefully now this post does not become litter in my room of unfinished projects and thoughts but the beginning of a conversation with you. A peek into my life and hopefully motivation for yours.

BTW, you may have noticed the name of this newsletter changed to simply “Tony Blount”. I do not plan on getting away from posting about reparations and political advocacy for Black America. However, I have a lot more to talk about and in fact feel that a more holistic approach enhances my larger mission, but more on that later.

Peace fam